REVIEWS OF MUSICAL MUSICKS

100 Flowers  s/t LP

Way back in the early part of the last decade of the last century, you could walk into any halfway decent record store, dig through the used CD bin, and come up with a $3-5 copy of the 100 Flowers collection 100 Years of Pulchritude. And if you were a hip motherfucker *ahem*, then you knew that 100 Flowers were the sequel to legendary art-punk primitives, The Urinals. Much like The Screamers, Urinals material was exceedingly rare at this point. It wasn’t until 1996, when Amphetamine Reptile released the Negative Capability…..Check it Out! compilation, that the average loser could bask in the wonder of songs like “Black Hole” and “I’m a Bug.” The 100 Flowers CD was on Rhino, so they were everywhere. At some point, someone must have bought the thing new cuz it was everywhere used. Or maybe there really were that many music journalists back then. I owned it for a few years, listened occasionally, but was always struck with the notion that they were a lesser Minutemen (whose cover of Urinals’ “Ack Ack Ack” was how most people even knew of these bands). One day, I sold it, and never regretted it. Then Urinals stuff appeared and that felt much more satisfying. So, when Superior Viaduct announced an impending reissue of the sole 100 Flowers LP, I was nonplussed. “Big deal, bring on Church Police,” I thought. Well, fuck me sideways, cuz my young mind must’ve not been “ready” for 100 Flowers. What seemed polished and neutered all of those years ago, now just seems like classic Cali art-punk. I’m willing to bet that the mastering on this LP trumps the shitty analog-to-digital transfer of a CD circa 1990. Also, without the addition of 12 bonus tracks, it’s easier to focus on the LP as a coherent statement, instead of part of a catalog of material. In other words, this rules! Featuring the exact same trio as the Urinals, 100 Flowers exhibit a growing mastery of both their instruments and their songwriting. 100 Flowers contains sixteen examples of how to do “angular” properly. There’s still all the pent-up sexual frustration of old (“Horizontal” “Strip Club”), but tempered with a sense of growing older and pondering the meaning of love and life (“I Don’t Own My Own Heart”). After gorging on the simultaneously-re-released Urinals 7”s, do yrself a favor and pick this platter up.  
 [Superior Viaduct; superiorviaduct.com]

Bradley Dean & The Terminals 7"

NYC rock n’ roll that could use a little more dirt under its fingernails. “Top of the Hour” is power-pop reminiscent of Gentleman Jesse or other similar modern purveyors. Backing vocals by Kim Warnick of The Fastbacks lends some legitimacy, but the song still falls flat. Well-played, but zero fizz. The cap has been left off of this soda bottle for too long. “Everybody’s Headed to the Graveyard” is a little tougher, a bit of a hitch in its step, but its low-down vibe seems a bit forced. A few more trips to the wrong side of the tracks might pay off for this crew.  
[Tone Town]

Cellos  ‘The Accident’ 12” EP

Following an EP on Dead Beat last year, Canada’s Cellos throw another 12” at us. There’s definitely something of the, what is it, third (?) wave of AmRep/TnG-“core,” contained in these grooves. Much like the now-defunct Grids, this is muscular, well-played post-Pissed Jeans pummel. It’s a little cleaner and more streamlined than the bulk of that aggro resurgence, but still manages to hit fairly hard. I can see these dudes holding their own on a bill with fellow Ontarians Metz. I’m sure they’re saving their loonies to record with Albini. I’ll always have a soft spot for this sound, but Cellos don’t quite put my panties in a bunch (who am I kidding, I’m going commando). On “Rust and Government” and “Pilgrimage,” Cellos nudge in a slight amount of melody, and it kind of works against them – I’m reminded of that nebulous sorta-metal that is the stuff of countless Brooklyn Vegan posts. The cover art even has a sub-Kozik feel to it. Not bad, but not great. 
[Ah Some; ahsomerecords.com]

CUNTZ  Aloha LP

On their debut LP, Australia’s Cuntz cycle through various noise rock motifs with a brutish force, challenging your eardrums and your sense of decency. The opening salvo of “Homeless” and “Casual Drinker” hits as hard as any Pissed Jeans 1-2 punch, but the album truly hits its stride with the dizzying paranoia of “Lost” and “Meth.” Singer Ben’s desperate roar recalls the unhinged bellow of Dugald McKenzie, deceased shouter from ‘80s hellions, Venom P. Stinger. Cuntz are the latest and current greatest in a long line of degenerate scuzz-rockers from Down Under, gifting us with one of the finest albums of its type to come down the pipe in ages. 
[Homeless] originally appeared in High Times mag

Dadamah  “Violet Stains Red”/”Absent and Erotic Lives” 7”

Dadamah were an extraordinary band. Comprised of some of New Zealand’s finest – including members of Pin Group, Terminals, and many more – Dadamah’s music captured the inner turmoil of love-gone-dead as well as anyone before or since. With a sound that echoed, but never imitated, The Velvet Underground, Dadamah stuck around long enough to give us 2 classic singles and a masterful LP. As they had before the band existed, the members continued to make fantastic new sounds in old and fresh combos, but in some ways Dadamah was their crowning achievement. After nearly two decades, this unexpected single comes out with the quiet and modest force that the band itself harnessed so well. Housed in a lovely and sturdy jacket and spinning on marbled red vinyl, Dadamah drops the emotional hammer on you as if they had merely stepped outside for a smoke. Recorded back in ’92 on their trusty Tascam 4-track, this 45 is a must-own for the Dadamah fan. “Violet Stains Red” is a Roy number reminiscent of “High Tension House,” one of the LP’s highlights. I keep on thinking “Absent and Erotic Lives” is the name of a Bergman movie, but the internet keeps on telling me I’m delusional. Typical. But it is most definitely a Kim Pieters-sung bummer, which, perversely, makes me grin. And bear it. This weight is heavy and so is Dadamah. 
[Yellow Electric; ?]

La Luz  “Call Me In The Day”/”Easy Baby”

All-female Seattle quartet with a faithful and well-presented surf/girl-group hybrid. The surf aspect of their sound leans towards the dreamy and melancholic, not “Pipeline” and Pulp Fiction. “Call Me In The Day” has the requisite Spector-esque harmonies and enveloping sound, but it’s done so well here that you don’t find yourself sneering about hipster beach rock or whatever the fuck that cruise-ship song-and-dance routine calls itself. “Easy Baby” is even more Ronettes-y, yet it triumphs over redundancy by virtue of actually conveying the mood that these ladies are attempting to conjure. La Luz reaches beyond the surface elements, and comes up with a well-crafted and performed single. 
[Water Wing; waterwingrecords.com]

Last Year’s Men  “Clawless Paw”/”What Can I Get” 7”

Decent, vaguely “garage” punk, but a bit heavier than the normal limpdick fare people pass off these days. “Clawless Paw” has a cool woozy quality to it. The singer sounds like he’s singing to himself on a drunken walk home, stars out, heart smashed. The flip has the inevitable Black Lips steez (outdated slang vol. IV). It’s just not dirty or wild enough to really get your feet moving or trigger a Pavlovian desire to drink. And that’s really what garage punk should be all about. Better luck next time, boys.   
[Sophomore Lounge; www.sophomorelounge.com]

Obnox  ‘IV: A Ragin’ in the Sun’ 7” EP

Obnox onslaught continues with one of his best yet, on a re-activated Anyway Records no less. Anyway was responsible for some of the finest platters out of Columbus in its ‘90s heyday and we should welcome them back with a big ol’ bear-hug, back-slap, and a 6 pack of Stroh’s (or Straub, if you must). This 4-song EP by Obnox is exactly the sort of record that Anyway made its name on – fuzzy, dirty small-town punk packed to the gills with hooks. “Rock n Roll Babylon” sounds like a Dead Boys song playing on a wrecked car stereo idling in the driveway at your neighbors’ house. You crane your neck out the window for a closer look and the sweet, powerful, dare I say gorgeous, “Ciara” floats up to you, which defies logic cuz it is heavy as hell. I keep checking the liner notes to see who Bim is covering, and I keep coming up empty cuz he wrote the damn thing. One of the best songs of 2013 so far. “The President Smokes (pro drug rally)” greets you with a Public Enemy sample and then lays out a thick carpet of bomb-blasted beats. The title cut brings back Thomas’ near-falsetto singing for another cut packed tight with deep guitar squall, soaring (no shit) vocals, and memorable melodies that you can stick in your pocket and take with you for the day. On this installment, guest musicians from TMIBH, Bad Noids, and Big Black Africa assist Obnox in continuing to reign o’er the Cleveland scene. Not bad for a stoner.  
 [Anyway; belakoe@anyway-records.com]

Shady and The Vamp  ‘As We Told You Earlier’ 10”

A few years ago, I spent some time driving around Europe with NYC scumfucks Woman, and one of their shows was at a converted prison way up high in the Swiss Alps. And it was really fucking fun. In addition to the gracious hospitality displayed by the hosts, there was an excellent opening band (a rarity in Europe). Besides playing a killer set of garage-punk, these young delinquents shared quite a bit of hashish with yours truly. Let’s call it payola, far in advance. The first Shady and The Vamp single was a high-quality twofer, and now they’ve graduated to a 10” (baby steps); six songs of garage-punk as good as any band on Burger, Hozac or from San Francisco, California, USA. You’ve got yer now-standard -- but well done --B’lips-like songs like “Let Me Know” and “Kickin’ You Out,” but “Piangi Conme” is a French-sung Nugget with tasteful psych touches hovering around the periphery. You won’t be surprised to find that “Live Fast Die” is fast punk, nor that “Geek” closes things out with a slow-burn sneer. Good stuff from this youthful trio. Original press of 300 is sold out, but look for a repress in June. 
[Moi j'connais Records; moijconnais.com]

Shady and The Vamp/Les Chevaux Sauvages split 7”

Shady keeps their winning streak going with two ace cuts on this split. “The Other Way” is fast, tuneful garage punk that recalls the all-too-rare occasions when Goodnight Loving would loosen up and kick out the jams. “Ain’t Got No Love” is a mid-tempo number that brings up warm thoughts of Mudhoney’s Every Good Boy Deserves Fudge, an important record to teenage me. Les Chevaux Sauvages are fellow Swiss garage-rockers, and their contribution, “Holy Bus,” is a solid Back From the Grave-robber. Good single here, limited to 300 copies.  
 [High Time/Lido]

Skimask  ‘Cute Mutant’ LP

Two dudes with a mic, a coupla pedals, a drum kit, the complete discography of Load Records and an itch to make some noise, hook up with the dude from Fat Day and proceed to blow it out. Your ass. Apparently, they have quite a live rep in the Boston basement scene. I can certainly picture a gaggle of drunken students gettin’ goofy to these fellas after a hard day at the collegiate trough. The band themselves strike me as the Good Will Hunting of the local weirdo scene. Really smart, and able to kick some ass, but deep down they are actually sensitive janitors. Unfortunately, the album, like the movie, is a wash. The music has density to it, but it just grinds and grinds; a headache on wax. When it’s over, you will be wondering why you just spent twenty minutes with your head in the dispose-all. My main beef is the singer. His overmodulated voice wails through each song in exactly the same way. Each syllable is drawn out to emphasize the microphone’s natural feedback, but it just gets annoying after awhile. Also, they have a song called “Every Week iz Shark Week” which they must’ve grabbed off of Twitter. If you live in the area, pick it up, you’ll be glad to have it. Rest of the world? Maybe wait for the basement gig in yr town.  
[Sophomore Lounge; www.sophomorelounge.com]

Snapper  s/t 12” EP

The Captured Tracks/Flying Nun reissue program is just getting started, but it’s already paying off nicely. Here we have the debut EP from Peter Gutteridge’s Snapper. A one-time member of The Clean, The Chills, Great Unwashed, and Puddle, Gutteridge found his finest vehicle in the menacing Suicide-goes-surf of Snapper. Gutteridge was aptly named, as he eventually succumbed to a debilitating smack habit, which laid him low for many a year. Recently, he has emerged from “retirement” with a new Snapper line-up, so these reissues are well-timed. Originally poking its head out in 1988, this 4-song EP is a perfect snapshot of Snapper’s raison d’etre. In fact, the title of side two’s “Death and Weirdness in the Surfing Zone” tells you all you need to know. You’d hafta be a real square not to dig on these tunes. Before Stereolab co-opted the Neu! template, Snapper was slamming the motorik beat into their pipeline. Was that a drug ref? I dunno, are you a fuckin’ square?  
 [Flying Nun/Captured Tracks; flyingnun.co.nz – capturedtracks.com]

Soggy  “Waiting for the War”/”47 Chromosomes” 7”

It was probably foolish to pay 16 bucks (ppd.) for a 2-song 45, especially in my current state of under-employment, but fuckin A, what two songs they are. I never pulled the trigger on that Soggy LP some years back (“pullin’ a Soggy” – DJ Rick) but I sure have jammed the files enough. And two of the best, if not the best, songs on that slab are contained on this soon-to-be-DJ-mainstay ripper of a lil’ platter. The cover and inner labels give you conflicting info on which song is truly the “A-side,” but that’s as it should be, because either of these Stooges-inspired punk/hard rock burners could front any size record. It’s a close one, but my pick is “47 Chromosomes.” After wildman singer Beb expels a few guttural Iggy-like grunts, the band dive-bombs into a riff that either Motorhead or The Users could have written. Just hearing Beb sneer “chromosomes,” in an unclassifiable accent that sounds like a Japanese man learning English from a French guy, erases any doubt as to if those sixteen dollars were well spent. Soggy perfectly walk the line between punk, hard rock and metal so effortlessly that it’s a mystery as to why more bands cannot – conversely, it’s a testament to how utterly ass-kicking these French biker wanna-bes were in 1981.  It was probably a lonely time for a band that played such ferocious non-hardcore, non-NWOBHM rock n’ roll. “Waiting for the War” shows the new wave (o’ metal) influence, with its chugging riffs, wicked soloing and tempo shifts. Bottom line: If you don’t have any of the LPs, better snag this ‘un while you can.

[Cameleon; ???]

Toxie  “Newgate”/”Ties” 7”

Debut wax from Memphis indie quartet, Toxie. “Newgate” is maybe a little too polite; a sharp angle or two would nudge this away from the Best Coast towards the East Coast, where bands like Tsunami used to rule the scene. Hey, I’m a bitter guy and I like bitter, brittle music. That’s why the flip, “Ties,” is more my style. It’s got more power, more oomph, and rises and falls like your lover’s chest in a deep sleep. No need to put the mirror under their mouth, they’re still breathing. 
[Goner; www.goner-records.com]

THE FORBIDDEN MOUNTAIN

          The thief was thrown off the caravan in the middle of the night. His body tumbled through the underbrush like a discarded rag doll. His head kissed a log roughly and then it was dark.

When he recovered consciousness, the thief discovered his hand in the mouth of a big black bear. The bear appeared to be playing with him, but the thief did not like this game. He closed his fist around the bear’s thick, pulsating tongue, and pulled. The beast emitted a surprised yelp as the human yanked the beast towards him and brought his fist down on its eye. The thief released the bear’s tongue and it scampered off in search of easier, and more fun, prey.

            The thief jumped to his feet and brushed himself off. An odd smile played on his lips. “Thrown off another fucking caravan,” he thought. “Ah well, they were pompous and boring. And I had my eye on a lot more than Lady Andra’s cleavage. Bravo to them, the stiffs.”

            Off in the distance, the thief spied plumes of smoke drifting across the sky as night retreated into day. Wary of hungry bears, he made his towards this semblance of civilization. After all, forest creatures, as beautiful and mysterious as they are, do not have much to steal.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

The town ended up being further away than it appeared. It lay at the base of a mountain whose craggy peak seemed to vanish in the hazy mist of the late morning. A sign on the road leading into the town read: FOOTSVILLE. The thief, dirty, hungry, and tired, sauntered into Footsville with just a worn pack on his back. Despite it being a small town, there was a steady flow of citizens milling around the center square. Here, merchants hawked their goods with practiced precision, knowing exactly the correct pitch to toss at passersby.

            “Hello sir, yer boots are lookin’ mighty bare, aren’t they? I know yer a hard-workin’ man. Don’ know yer name, but I know yer face, and I know you’ve been sluggin’ these here hills for more’n a few sun-cycles. C’mon now sir, don’ walk away from me now. Not on those worn soles. C’mon now sir, do yourself, and yer family’s selves, a favor. Ah yesssss, there ya go sir. Yer a good man.”

            The thief smiled. Who is to say who the true thieves are in this world? These guys were real operators. And their prey were collaborators. Kinda made him sick really. These people were complicit in their own selling. Accomplices to their own murders. At least his marks were unaware that they were being filched.

           
“You, sir!” a merchant barked as he passed.

           

“Who, me?” said the thief, batting his eyelashes in feigned innocence.

“Yes, you! You have the mark of an adventurer about you.”

“Why, however did you guess?

“Har har! Perhaps you are a jester?”

“Nah, doesn’t pay so well. And nobility is fickle.”

“Har har!”

The thief looked closer at the guffawing merchant. He was tall and slender, with a peculiar glint in his eye, and a distinctive bent to his nose, almost like a hawk’s beak. He stood behind a makeshift table which featured an array of trinkets and baubles.

“See anything you fancy?” the man said, arching an eyebrow.

“What is this, a whorehouse? I’ll let you know.”

“I’m sure you will.”

The thief scanned the items, suddenly curious. His gaze fell upon a rather attractive-looking longknife. The dagger was about a foot and a half long, and it rested in a well-worn scabbard that had a subtle, yet beguiling, serpentine pattern coiling its way down the blade. After all, he needed a weapon, as the sadsacks on the royal caravan had relieved him of his. He picked up the dagger and unsheathed it. The blade was incredibly sharp, almost as if it had just been made.

“How much?” asked the thief.

“However much you feel is appropriate, sir.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“Sir, you are the one who kids.”

“Heh, right. I almost forgot. Alright. How about this?” The thief reached into his pack and produced a beautiful brooch made of solid gold and limned with glittering rubies. But this extremely expensive item did not quite elicit the expected response.

“I suppose that will do,” said the merchant, almost as if he were sighing.

“Well then,” the thief grunted, placing the brooch on the table. He attached the dagger to his belt and began to walk away.

“Wait, my friend.”

The thief stopped and turned around. The sudden melancholy had been erased off the merchant’s face, replaced by an almost mischievous expression.

“I have something else for you.”

“Look, pal, this is all I want and all I need.”

“Please, take this slip of parchment. An adventurer like yourself may find it handy, if only to write directions on it.”

The thief took the parchment from the merchant’s outstretched hand. He examined it. It was wholly unremarkable, just a run-of-the-mill piece of parchment.

“Gee thanks.”

“I realize it looks quite plain, but the man who gave it to me said that it came from the Forbidden Mountain.”

“The what?”

“The Forbidden Mountain,” the merchant whispered, casting his eyes upward towards the peak that dominated the skyline.

         “Right. And why is it forbidden?”

        “It is said that a great and powerful man resides at the top, in a fortress that he built. It is said that this man is a master of many arcane and esoteric disciplines, some of which have been forgotten by everyone on the planet, save for him. It is said that he has a vast collection of treasures, including some of the magical persuasion.”

         “Sounds like a real winner. Well, thanks for the piece of paper, maybe I can wipe my ass with it.”

          The thief left the merchant lost in his reverie, imagining mysterious and powerful men wringing out the secrets of life. The thief had more immediate, mundane concerns. Like a hot meal, a few pints of ale and a reasonably comfortable bed.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

            The thief stopped at the first inn he saw. The sign out front read: THE GILDED AGE. He walked up to the front desk. An old man with forests for eyebrows looked up. His eyes seemed to be an afterthought when compared to the brows.

            “What cannae do fair yae?”

            “A room, a pint.”

            “Aright, the room is twenny a night, and the tavern is right there, through the doors……Wait sir, I need a name tae put yae under. House policy.”

           
            “You’ve gotta be fookin’ kiddin’ me. OK, put it under Zed Nihil.”

            “Very good then.”

            “Swell.”

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

            Despite his exhaustion, Zed walked into the tavern with a healthy dose of swagger. He took a seat at a deserted corner table that sat well within the shadows. The tavern was fairly crowded, with an even mix of locals and travelers. Zed had been around long enough to tell the difference between the two. The locals lounged with more casual body language, while the travelers were more wary, keeping to themselves. A barmaid came around and Zed ordered a pint of the housebrew. At a nearby table, a pair of locals talked excitedly, and perhaps a little too loudly. Zed couldn’t help but listen.

“I’m tellin’ yae, mate, Clize sez he’s been up there.”

 “That’s a crock of shite and yae know it, Malthus.”

  “Maybe, yeah? But Clize ain’t been the same, and yae know it.”

  “That has nothin’ to do with the mountain, mate. ‘S his wife.”

  “Maybe, yeah.”

            Then they were silent for awhile, contemplating poor Clize’s fate. Zed’s curiosity was piqued, but he started to feel conspicuous. Then he remembered the parchment the merchant had given him. He pulled it out and laid it flat on the rickety table. He peered over it, but could see nothing extraordinary about it. Zed left it there as he began to roll a smoke. The barmaid came around with another pint. As she set down the glass, a wave of ale spilled over the lip, splashing on the table and soaking the parchment.

“Oh! I’m so sorry, sir.”

“’S OK, lass. Don’t worry your pretty little head about it.”

“I’ll be right back to clean that up.”

“No problem.”

The problem was that the two locals, who previously had been unaware of his existence, were now staring straight at him. Zed pretended not to notice and resumed rolling his smoke. The barmaid returned with a rag and wiped up the spilled brew. As she lifted the wet parchment to dry beneath it, Zed was seized with a bizarre urgency and snatched it out of her hand. The barmaid recoiled in surprise.

“Er, sorry; it’s my family tree. I’ve been working real hard on it.”

“Oh.”

After she walked away, Zed laid out the parchment. Something caught his eye. Some marks that initially appeared to be ale stains, were now quite clearly words. Zed watched as a passage formed on the parchment. It read:

THERE MUST BE A MIND. THAT IS WHY OVER THE CENTURIES MEN FAR FROM IGNORANT HAVE THOUGHT OF THE MASTERS NOT AS PHYSICAL BEINGS BUT AS A COLLECTIVE SYMBOL, AS A CONTINOUS INCARNATION OF A FIXED INTENTION.

{BUT THEY ARE REAL}

            Zed thought: This is getting really weird.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

            Zed sunk into the bed with a deep sigh of relief. What a long, strange day it had been. Well, now he was drunk and that was just fine with him. He’d rather dance with the spirits than a human anyday. Zed glanced at the peculiar piece of parchment that rested on the nightstand. It was blank again, as if erased by some unseen hand when he wasn’t looking.

            Back in the tavern, the two yokels had stared him down for a few minutes. Zed flashed them a stupid smile and raised his glass in a friendly salute. They grunted and half-raised their pints in response. Zed just sat there with that stupid smile. Eventually they left, stumbling back home to their weary wives. Zed tried flirting with his waitress, but the barkeep took her aside and whispered a few things to her. That put a stop to that. Maybe it was the heavy brew, but Zed left the tavern for his room feeling empty, lonely and hopeless. One of Zed’s favorite songs popped into his head –

            No fun, my babe, no fun

            No fun to be alone

            Walking by myself

            No fun to be alone

In love

            with nobody else

Before passing out, Zed decided that he would tackle the mountain the next day. Forbidden or not, if there was treasure up there, Zed intended to gorge himself on its sparkling countenance. “My true love……you are…….my true love…..yes, you, baby…..yes youuuuu…….” he hummed himself to sleep.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Zed was awoken far too early by the screeching klaxon of a dragonbird’s throat. He had grumbled his way back to a surface slumber when he heard two familiar voices conversing outside his window.

“I dinnae like the look o’ that stranger in the pub last night, Malthus. Seemed a mite too innarested in his surroundings, yeah?”

“Aye, bleedin’ interlopers. Pretending they’re dumber than they ain’t. I tells yae, Errance, really gets me goat.”

“Aye. P’raps us two will have to ‘run in’ to that squirrely fellow again tonight. Give ‘im a message from the Footsville Welcoming Committee.”

“Hoo hoo, yessir, Errance.”

As their voices drifted through his open window, Zed lay in bed trying not too laugh too loudly.

“Screw you, you dumb hilljacks. I’ll be long gone from this godsforsaken town by then anyway.”

Zed went back to sleep.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

In the early afternoon, after soothing his hangover with a spot of Witches’ Tea, Zed set out for the mountain. It was a beautiful, breezy day with a hint of something in the air; promise maybe, or expectation. Zed savored this invisible scent, rolled it around on the back of his tongue, drunk deep from its secret well.

            A few suspicious glares followed him out of Footsville (what kind of stoopid fookin’ name is that? Zed thought), but he disarmed them with a hearty chuckle. After all, he was used to this sort of treatment. In fact, he fed off of it. And he was hungry. “Don’t go back to Footsvi-i…lle…..” he sang.

            Zed walked through the forest. He walked over rocks, animal carcasses, and fallen trees, lying there as if sleeping, really just sleeping.

           

 “Pull yourself up by the roots, boy,” he commanded.

  But they weren’t getting up.

           

            Zed saw a hawk circling above him. It followed him like a halo, outlining his past and future. Within the circle, the hawk recreated the void that lurked within Zed. He respected and acknowledged this; the hawk was very beautiful, regal even.            

            He walked and ran and jumped through the forest, delighting in the supple movement of his body. Self-trained in so many disciplines, Zed felt unstoppable. His blood pumping hard, he pushed himself harder. He had a vague premonition that he would discover just how well he taught himself at the top of the mountain. Zed welcomed this test.

            “Bring it on, motherfuckers. Be you demon, dragon, ogre, or mage. Necromancer, high priest, paladin, or sage. I got a nice, new, shiny dagger that’s compatible to your blood type. Wooohoooo!!!!”

            By the time night had descended, Zed had climbed three-fourths of the mountain. As his adrenalin high wore off, he decided to set up camp. Well, as much camp as can be set up with a rock for a pillow and a dirty blanket that he had stolen from The Gilded Age. Zed closed his eyes and dreamt of glittering jewels and magical cloaks.

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

           SNAP! went a fallen branch and Zed was instantly awake. He knew the sounds of forest animals, and this was no forest animal. He heard a set of heavy breathing lungs, and then, behind him, another loud, clumsy human.

           “Grab ‘im, Malthus!”

           

            Hands reached out to snare him, but he rolled away into a patch of complete darkness. And waited.

            “Shit! I missed him, Errance! ‘Eads up, he’s comin’ your way!”

            Zed crouched like a mountain cat, patient and calm. Errance, thinking he was being stealthy, walked within a few feet of Zed, completely oblivious. Zed reached out and embraced him.

            “Errance, where the fuck are you? Do you see ‘im? Don’t let that bastard get away!”

            Silence.

            Then, behind him, Malthus heard a clipped gurgling. He swung around, brandishing his battered shortsword. Errance’s body collapsed to the ground in a pool of crimson.

            “Too bad Clize couldn’t make it, eh Malthus?” Zed said, barely controlling his delight. “But then again, he probably had the good sense to stay home with his wife.”

            “Yer fuckin’ dead!” Malthus screamed, running at Zed in a berserker’s rage.

            “No, asshole, you are.”

             In one sublime movement, Zed parried Malthus’ thrust, clasped his throat with a talon-like hand, and smashed his heel into Malthus’ knee. Malthus lost his footing, but Zed held him close. A surgical slice along the forearm, cutting his muscles and tendons, forced Malthus to drop his sword.

            “Now you listen here, Malthus. I’m about to kill you in a most unpleasant way. I don’t like people like you, and I gotta admit that I’m kinda touched that you and your idiot partner decided to make the effort to come all the way up here to kill me. Gets me a little choked up,” Zed squeezed Malthus’ throat. “Get it?! A little ‘choked up’?!? Ha ha ha ha!!! Damn, man, you should be thrilled that you’re being croaked by such an erudite, good-looking and all-around badass funnyfuck like myself. I mean, you coulda died of old age or something boring like that, y’know? Seeya!”

            Very slowly, Zed squeezed Malthus’ throat until his eyeballs began pushing themselves out of their sockets.

           “Wow, you look surprised! I told you it was gonna be unpleasant! Nobody ever believes me. That’ll learn ‘em.”

            Zed threw Malthus’ lifeless body to the cold, hard ground and walked away, heading towards the summit of the Forbidden Mountain.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

            “Damn, it’s cold up here,” Zed said to himself as he neared the peak of the mountain. It was late in the afternoon and Zed was feeling fine. Last night’s deadly hijinks had provided an extra jolt of confidence, and he was ready for any thing that might come his way. Like the wrought-iron gate that materialized right in front of him. He could have sworn it wasn’t there just a moment ago. Zed had been scanning the area, trying to parse his next option, when out of the corner of his eye he spied, cloistered in some trees, a gate. Well, that’s an invitation, if I ever saw one, he thought. He sauntered up to it and mimed a formal knock, laughing quietly to himself. Zed examined the lock; nothing too difficult, rather ordinary, really. Zed couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed. If it was going to be this easy, it almost wasn’t worth it. But then he thought of the treasure, and the parchment. Zed picked the lock. A dark corridor loomed ahead. It seemed to stretch into the mountain itself.

            “Hmm, no cool looking castle, but if this dude carved his fortress into a

mountain, I guess I’m impressed.”

            Zed entered the mountain.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

           After walking for a spell in total darkness, Zed saw a light ahead. He emerged into a vast room lit by torches lining the walls. The walls seemed to be shifting colors constantly, like a kaleidoscope. Zed felt disoriented and maybe a little sick. At the far end of the room was a crystal throne. In front of the throne was a shallow pool of water. Somehow, a flame burned on its surface. Behind the throne, Zed could see piles of gold and silver items. To his right were huge statues of exotic beasts, many of which he had heard of, but never seen before. Zed headed towards the treasure.

            Zed was trying to figure out what was the most valuable item to take when he heard a voice behind him.

            “Who are you to invade my sanctum sanctorum like this?”

            Zed turned around, but could see no one.

            “Answer me!”

            “I’m Zed Nihil.”

            “No, you’re not.”

            “You’re right, I’m not. Who are you then?”

            “I am either your death, or your salvation.”

            A man appeared out of thin air, shimmering into existence. Zed had seen him before.

            “And you’re no friendly merchant, are you?”

            “No, I am not.”

            “I guess it’s time to fight then, huh?”

            “As you wish.”

            They circled each other, unarmed. Zed shot out a punch. The man easily avoided it. Zed feinted to the left and kicked at the man’s knee. The man sidestepped. Zed dropped to the ground and tried a leg sweep. The man jumped over it. Zed came up with a flathand attack at the man’s chest, but was really going for an armlock. Finally grabbing flesh, he locked down on the man’s forearm. The man slid his arm out as if it were greased. Zed took a few steps back.

            “What the fuck?!?”

            “Frustrated, my friend?”

            “Not anymore, mister.” Zed unsheathed his dagger and stepped forward. He brought the blade around in a vicious arc towards the man’s unprotected throat. Inches away from contact the dagger crumbled to dust in Zed’s hand.

            “Unholy shit! What was that?”

            “Do you not remember who sold you that dagger, my friend? I made it. It does as I please. Now, let us end this farce.”

            With inhuman speed, the man slapped Zed in the face. The slap sent Zed reeling. Before he could recover the man had engaged him in an unbreakable chokehold. Zed wheezed his discontent.

            “Nothing witty to say? Catgut your tongue? Good. For now you will listen. You have two choices, thief. I can kill you in an even more gruesome manner than you killed poor Malthus, or………Yes, I see your eyes get bigger. Malthus was one of mine. I sent him and Errance after you as a test. In fact, the entire town of Footsville, including the lovely barmaid you had your eyes on, is a construct of mine. Rather pleasant, wouldn’t you agree?”

            Zed tried in vain to suck in a fistful of air.

            “As I was saying; you have two choices. One, I shred your soul in my chamber of horrors, or, two, I train you to perform a very important task for me. What say you?”

            The man let go of Zed’s neck.

            “Ahuuuuhhhuuuhhhhh…….koff…..acccchkkkk..huhugguuhhg….gu-gu-gimme a second here.”

          “Of course.”

          “I think I’ll take door number two.”

          “Very well then. Your training begins now. First, you need a name. And do not tell me that you have a name. I know of your past. I know that you do not have a name, were never given one. I know that you were found in a wood by a group of Jipsies, abandoned to die by your birthparents. No, I do not know who they were. You will never know who they were. It is your curse and your blessing. I know that these Jipsies raised you in a roundabout way, almost like a favorite pet. They never named you because they could see your destiny. I know that you left them at the age of 7, and made your way into the world. You taught yourself stealthiness, quickness, strength and cunning. You became the greatest thief in the land, but worked for no one but yourself. You gave yourself ridiculous names as a private joke to yourself. Zed Nihil, Seero Void, Cypher Nix and so on. You believe in nothing except for yourself, as it should be. I would have you believe in one more thing, but we will get to that. First, you must have a name. A truename.”

            Zed cleared his throat. “Well, y’see, the thing is, I kinda like my names. They’re not just jokes; they’re poetry, like my thoughts, like my movements. Can you dig that?”

            “I understand, but for the power you will be wielding, you need something more. Can you dig that, my friend?”

            “Yeah, I guess I can.”

            “Do you still possess that slip of parchment I gave you?”

            “Yeah, and I didn’t even wipe my ass with it.”

            “How fortunate. Take it out.”

            Zed pulled the scrunched up paper from his pocket.

            “Unfold it and you will see your truename.”

            Zed unfolded the parchment. In a strange script, as if burned into the parchment, a name appeared: ASRAH.

            “It says: Asrah.”

            “Yes, that is your name.”

            “Hmmm, I kinda like it.”

            “Good. Now the hard part begins.”

            “Wait, what’s your name?”

            “You may call me Master.”

            “I gotta million jokes for that one, but I’ll keep them to myself.”

            “You learn fast, my friend.”

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

           

            Over the course of the next several months, Asrah experienced a complete rebirth. He bathed in the pool with the flame flickering atop. At first, it burned, but eventually this subsided and it soothed him each time he entered its waters. The Master ritually cleaned him with a blade of silver. He traced invisible lines over Asrah’s body for hours every day. The Master administered an enema of dragon’s blood. This produced a flow of waste that poured from Asrah’s body in foul torrents. Asrah was amazed at the poisons that had been coursing through his body. These poisons, both physical and ethereal, were also expunged with rigorous martial training. Asrah thought he had known how to fight, but he realized he was a clumsy ape compared to his Master. The Master revealed astonishing powers of the mind and of nature to Asrah. He taught him how to truly see, to see with his entire body, his mind, his wandering spirit. He taught him how to kill with a touch, with a thought, with a breath. He taught him how to gather information from the wind, from the rocks, from the trees. He taught him many wondrous things.

And then he told him why.

            “Asrah, you are nearing the completion of your training. Despite my trepidation, you have proven to be an astute and capable student. How do you respond?”

            ____

            “Excellent. You have learned well. Now I will tell you of my purpose in training you, and your purpose in existing.”

            The Master closed his eyes. They sat in the zenzat position, just inches apart, their knees nearly touching.

            “Of course, you remember the parchment that brought you here. You remember what it said. That there are Ascended Masters. That these Masters control the world. Most believe them a myth. They are quite real. They do control the world. And they are evil. And powerful. And they must be destroyed. They reside in a mountain not unlike this one. Far up in the clouds, at the top of the world. They number eight, and they sit at their table and they run the world. They have cast this world into darkness with their ruthless scheming. They do not care for the average man. They believe that they are gods. They believe that they are immortal. They are not gods. They are not immortal. They can be killed. And you, my friend, will kill them. This is why I have trained you. To kill them. To kill the Masters of the World. What say you?”

            “Why can you not kill them, Master?”

            “Because they have cast ancient spells against me. These spells prevent me from entering their mountain. There is a web of energy that bars me. Despite my power, I cannot penetrate it. But you, my friend, they do not know of you; their spells will not affect you. You are an unknown anomaly. You are their death. You are my sword. I will strike them down through you. This is your destiny.”

            “I accept my destiny.”

            “Good. I have crafted these weapons for you.” Master presented a cloth before them. He unfolded the cloth. There lay eight small throwing daggers, gleaming in the firelight. “These daggers were forged from a substance not native to this dimension. I traversed many dangerous realities to procure it. This alien metal, named aluminum, is the only way to kill the Masters.”

            “When do I depart?”

            “Ah yes, eagerness. A wonderful attribute, my friend. Soon, very soon.”

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

Asrah prepared himself for this mission. His old life of wine, women, song and thievery seemed like a half-remembered dream. Now, he felt as if he had a purpose. The Master had been good to him. Yes, very good.

::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

“The time has come, Asrah. You are ready. Destiny awaits you with open arms. Go to her like a lover. Ride the astral winds to the clouded mountain. Destroy the Ascended Masters. Kill them in the name of humanity. Go!”

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

            Asrah floated around the base of the mountain. It was perfectly smooth, as if it had been sanded by the hand of God. The landscape around it seemed to stretch out into infinity. It was completely barren; Asrah felt an affinity with it. It was time.

            Asrah circled the mountain, searching for the slightest crack or fissure through which he could gain entry. Finally, after several hours, he found one. Condensing himself into a form smaller than an atom, he entered the mountain. He found the inner sanctum and reverted to human form.

             Asrah hung from the ceiling of the vast room like a fly. Below him lay the Masters. They were seated around a massive table. In the center of the table was a luminescent silver globe. It pulsed like as if alive. The Masters were unaware of him. Their eyes were closed in concentration. Asrah could feel the waves of psychic power crisscrossing the room. He could not grasp its language, but he knew that the Masters were focusing their energies on the globe. They were in deep meditation, communicating telepathically, manipulating events thousands of miles away. Each one of their bald heads shone with an eerie light. Their skin looked like marble, smoothed over countless centuries. Now was the moment to strike.

           In front of Asrah floated the eight daggers. He willed them towards their targets. Without a sound, the daggers flew through the air and embedded themselves, in perfect synchronicity, into the throats of each Master. Their bodies slumped forward. They were dead. The psychic energies ceased to move around the room. A strange mist, like steam, began to rise from each of their bodies. They were disintegrating. But the globe continued to pulse.

Asrah walked around the table, watching as the Masters’ bodies dissipated. He felt a familiar presence in the room.

            “You have succeeded, my friend! The heavens quake at your daring!”

“Master.”

“Yes, now the power is ours! We shall rule this world as if we were gods!”

“No, Master. I think not.”

“Do not forget, my friend, that you are the pupil, and I am the Master. You have done what I have always desired, but was not able to accomplish. You will be well rewarded.”

“Master, I see nine chairs around this table. Yet, only eight Masters. You are the ninth Master. You were cast out.”

“I left because these fools could not see their true potential. We can control not only the world, but countless other dimensions. Do you not see? This silver globe holds the essences of every Master that has ever existed. We can harness its power. You and I can rule for all of eternity! Come, my student, take my hand and leap into infinity.”

The Master extended his hand.

            “No, my friend, I will not take your hand. I will kill you.”

            “Do not make me laugh! I have taught you much, but not everything. You are not as powerful as you conceptualize.”

            “I do not need power. I have this.” Asrah pulled a dagger from his belt.

            “Remember this? You made it. I collected its dust. And now it will unmake you.”

            The dagger leapt from Asrah’s hand and flew at the Master’s throat. For the first time in millennia, surprise registered across the Master’s face. It became his deathmask.

            Asrah willed the globe to him. It floated in front of him, whispering the secrets of the cosmos in his ear like a lover. The globe begged him to take its power, to charge across reality wielding it like a true warrior. Eternity opened before him like a book. He could read all of its arcane secrets; no thing was unknown. He could possess the power of a god, of all the gods, of God. Asrah drew back his will. The globe fell to the floor and shattered into a million tiny pieces, like miniature stars exploding across the universe.

            Zed laughed and walked out of the mountain.